Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
