i permit you to call me
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
