i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
