I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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