and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
