I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
