I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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