Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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