Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
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we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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