and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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