YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
