woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
