you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
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Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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