i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
