apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
