I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I will be naked everywhere
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
