Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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