my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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