do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
