I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
