sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's blow job season.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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