If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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