Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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