I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
