We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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