my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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