Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
