Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
BRING THE BAGELS
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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