Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
