i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
my liver is dry heaving
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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