come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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