How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
