my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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