Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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