Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
