so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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