I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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