I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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