is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
