Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
