my being single is dangerous.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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