I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
