I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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