I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
