Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
