walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
