my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
