Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
