so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
there is glitter all over my balls
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
