Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
