i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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