This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
