im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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