If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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