I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
