I accidentally had phone sex last night
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i believe in u and ur pee
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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